Dear IndyCar Fans,
On behalf of WMATA (pronounced wuh-mah-tah, aka “the DC subway”), welcome to our nation’s capital. You’ve come here all the way from Kansas/Oklahoma/Tennessee/Wherever to celebrate 250 years of American freedom, and Metro is here to remind you that freedom has limits. Here are a few tips to getting around our city on the train.
First, escalators: stand right, walk left. This is not posted prominently because Washingtonians believe rules should be discovered through public shaming. Be warned that within the Metro system, standing on the left is legally considered legitimate grounds for homicide.
Metro doors are another matter. Unlike elevator doors, they do not encounter your arm and think, “Whoops!” They think, “Challenge accepted.” Unless you want your limb to ride outside the car, wait for the next train. America will still be 250 when it arrives.
You may notice the station floors are covered in tiles that become remarkably slick when wet. This is intentional and provides visitors with an interactive demonstration of checks and balances.
Finally, you may find your station suddenly closed due to the vagaries of National Guard lunch breaks, randomly established Secret Service security perimeters, or Sean Duffy’s ongoing feud with Randy Clarke. Do not panic. Simply follow the confusing signs toward a shuttle bus that may or may not exist.
Have fun while you’re here, and don’t forget to write your members of Congress about funding public transportation and DC statehood when you get home.